See You Again Soon

Ask me about grief and for sure I can tell you more about what it is now that I have experienced it. I will miss you Mommy. I won't dwell on the what if's but there are thousands going through my mind. Why too soon?

I know you are happy wherever you are right now. This takes away an ounce of burden in my heart, at least that's what I want to think. I would give anything to feel your presence, to say a proper good bye, to hug and kiss you for the last time. Is this even possible?

I am comforting myself with the many memories I have of you. I have no words to describe how much I miss you, Kuya and my nieces. I miss my childhood and the family we once had. But now all I could think of is the time I spent away from you and that if I could've done things differently. It is easy to distance oneself when your many miles away but I never stopped missing and loving you. Did you know that?

If I had known I won't see you anymore I would've hugged you tighter at the airport, I would've done things a thousand ways more different, if only I could bring back time.

I wouldn't let my guilt eat me but I will try to become a better mother for your grandchildren. You taught me everything about being a great Mom and hopefully I will live up to that. I will never be as hard working as you are, I can barely clean the house everyday, I don't iron clothes, both a NO NO for you. I have always wondered where you get the energy and the talent to make our home the cleanest and our table filled with the most delicious home cooked meals.

You raised Kuya and I the best way you can. It's always been the three of us. I remember us going to the movies, shopping, or all of us busy with whatever books we are reading at the moment. You sheltered us from life's cruel intentions as much as you could and no matter how much we failed, you were there for us, always to the rescue paying the bills, taking care of your grandchildren, etc.

It got me thinking if I had been a good daughter at least? I gave you so much heart aches and yet you never hated me. You got mad yes but in the end you always told me that life experiences are the best teachers. I never had to tell you what's bothering me, you've always known. You have a way of knowing what I am going through and I never had to explain myself to you. So many unspoken words but I know in my heart that you knew but I would've said it aloud if only I knew you were leaving.

I still can't process in my head that you are gone now. I don't think I have cried enough but I know you would want me to go on with my life and not get drowned by sorrow. Please don't get mad when you see me crying. I'm just a child pining for her mom. It gives me relief as the tears flow, it's not about being sad but also relieving all the memories we've had.

It only shows that time is our biggest enemy. I prayed and prayed for you to live a long life. I never once thought that you will go at a very young age. I wanted you to at least experience life at its best again, the way you deserve to live it. I'm so sorry I didn't get to see you again but I promise, you will forever live in our hearts. I will never forget you Mommy. I am what I am because of you. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!

A Summer Worth Remembering

Just when I thought I'd have more time blogging because it is summer, of course I turned out wrong. Having the kids 24/7 is the culprit. We didn't plan any summer vacation this year which I'd like to think is a blessing in disguise (I will explain in a bit).

Prior to the kids' summer vacation, we spent a week in Vancouver to renew our passports and discover Beautiful British Columbia which was indeed beautiful! We explained to the kids that the BC trip is our summer getaway so don't expect more.

So the first couple of weeks into the summer, the kids were fine. We were enjoying late nights, sleeping in, being lazy and doing stuff they can't do throughout the school year. We were just basically hanging out with friends or staying home, kids doing their 'chores' and me paying them allowance money as promised.

Our summer was going on it's usual course (minus our yearly vacation) when I lost someone dear to me. I can't imagine getting this sad news while on vacation somewhere. Good thing we are home and had nothing special planned. For a week, I just wanted to be alone. I could've stayed like this forever but I had no choice but to pull myself out of the slump I'm into. I have kids to entertain, a family to take care of and somehow keeping myself busy helped big time but robbed me off the chance to properly grieve :(

Few weeks more and the kids will be back to school. We decided to go on a trip somewhere close but to a place the kids will surely love and make their summer memorable. It is hard grieving for you own mother and at the same time trying to be the best mother you could be for your kids at a time like this but hey that's what my mom would've done anyway. I am sure wherever she is, she is smiling down at me saying what a great job she has done raising me :D